Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood
- Listen first, talk second
- See things from another’s point of view before you share your own
- “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Please Listen (Poem)
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.
When people talk we seldom listen because we’re usually too busy preparing a response, judging, or filtering their words though our own paradigms.
- Poor Listening Styles include spacing out, pretend listening, selective listening, word listening, and self-centered listening
- Advising is when we give advice drawn from our own experience
- Probing occurs when you try to dig up emotions before people are ready to share them
Re-source: Relationship
Ask yourself the question “Will this feedback really help this person or am I doing it just to suit myself and fix them?”
- If your motive for the feedback isn’t with their best interest at heart, then it’s probably not the time or place to do it.
Say “I” instead of “You” (give feedback in the first person)
- “You” messages are more threatening because they sound as if you’re labeling.
Troubled relationships – Seek first to understand than to be understood
- Try to understand and write down the situation from the other person’s point of view
- In your next interaction, listen for understanding comparing what you are hearing with what you wrote down
- How valid were your assumptions?
- Did you really understand that person’s perspective
- Share the concept of empathy with someone close to you
- Ask for feedback – how did you make that person feel?
- Cover your ears and just watch others communicate.
- What emotions may be communicated that may not have come across with words alone?
- Catch yourself before probing, evaluating, advising, or interpreting
craving and resource from “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Convey and “7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens” by Sean Covey
