Shame is the fear of disconnection.
- We are psychologically emotionally and spiritually hardwired for connection, love and belonging
- Connection is why we are here and is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives
- It is the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we have not lived up to, or a goal that we have not accomplished, makes us unworthy of connection.
- “I’m not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong.”
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
While it feels like shame hides in our deepest corners, it actually tends to lark in all the familiar places.
Shame categories – appearance and body image, money and work, motherhood or fatherhood, family, parenting, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging, religion, surviving trauma, being stereotyped or labeled.
- Shame is getting laid off and having to tell my pregnant wife
- Shame is someone asking me “When are you due, and I am not pregnant.”
- Shame is hiding the fact that I am in recovery
- Shame is that I am raging at my kids
- Shame is bankruptcy
- Shame is my boss calling me an idiot in front of the client
- Shame is my husband leaving me for my next door neighbor
Re-source
Resilience
Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation.
Shame is like a gremlin. If you put light on it, it dies. If you attach awareness with shame, it withers away.
What shame tells you…
- “I told you this was a mistake. I knew you weren’t ‘_________’ enough.”
Shame resilience is the ability to say, “This hurts. This is disappointing; maybe even devastating, but success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage, and I was just courageous. You can move on shame!”
craving and resource from “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown
